Ana-log No. 4 (August and September of 2020)

 August might have just been the most exciting month so far! Throughout the entire month I felt such a surge of enthusiasm that I desperately craved. It made me brighter and bolder and more resilient! I just couldn't get enough of the adrenaline high! I was living my best life among all the uncertainty in the world around me. I was able to utilize those incredible Mercurial skills to manifest people, opportunities and new experiences into my life. I adapted stealthily and never dared to look back or dwell on what I lacked, but made the most with what I had. Pivotal part of this month for me was learning about the way different facets of my personality interacted within me. I learned that I can be both sweet and strong, funny and intelligent, impulsive and analytical…One trait does not cancel out the other. I can be a complete sobbing mess over in the corner, wipe away the tears and be genuinely happy for a friend who had just received good news because there is this inner need to do what is right overriding whatever it is that I am feeling at the present moment. Most importantly, no one but me can decide which, if any feelings or traits define me. That has truly been a life-changing lesson! I think I have already known that to a certain capacity, but never as clearly as I did then. Stepping back into the light of my own sexual being has also been surprisingly transformative as well. I seldom gave attention to that aspect of my life because finer things such as love and romance would often take precedence, however, I decided it was time to bend the rules a little. This resulted in seeing and loving my body in a way which helped me move about the world with more pride. I am young and single, so I might as well enjoy it whilst I can, on my own terms. My sexuality is not a detriment; it is a natural and beautiful part of who I am, deserving of pleasure and I am no longer in the business of denying it. It does not serve anybody well. I see no issue with it as long as it's safe and consensual and a mature conversation is had before or after. Now, I am not saying this is going to become a long-term habit, since I am still very much a hopeless romantic who wishes to be in a committed relationship someday, but occasional flings and temporary exchanges of affection are a good alternative for now as I absolutely cannot sustain a proper relationship at the moment; they help fill the time anyway. Furthermore, they also give me an insight into what kind of person I am looking for and what my preferences are, which does not hurt. Any experience, be it good or bad is welcome in my book. I was basically doing what I wanted to do, but didn't feel confident enough to do, at some points in High school and partly in college and I also look the way I wanted to look back then. It's a win-win! I just have to distinguish what I need beforehand because I do fall in love easily and my heart hurts a little every time no matter what my mind tells me. I don't think I have any power over whether or not I will fall in love with someone, but I do have some power over who I choose to be affectionate with; by choosing people I am unlikely to form connections with, I will be less likely to get my heart broken or to break theirs. I need to be wiser next time. Another issue I have, apart from falling in love with every pretty thing, is that I have a bit of a taste for foreigners and they are the ones who always leave. I simply cannot will myself to like locals. I must have some sort of aversion towards them. We do not mesh well at all. It's nothing personal. I am sure there are wonderful people here that I am yet to meet, but they keep slipping away. However, I am not complaining. The current state suits me perfectly. Switching the topic from my love life to day-to-day activities, one of the things I am very proud of is that I completed a German course! I always wanted to learn the language and I finally got the chance to do so. It was an online course in a group of four people from Argentina, Honduras and Canada. The lessons were very interesting and engaging. I am also grateful for meeting great individuals through it. I hope to continue learning more once I get more time. Another "project" I began was driving again, but this time I had a good friend by my side. I did well for someone who's been out of practice for years. My second project/job was translation. I decided to return to it (I am now realizing that the general theme of this summer was catching up for lost time) by translating a dear colleague's poetry book that is due to be published in January of 2021. It is a marvelous piece of writing! I had enjoyed every moment of working on it. I have also been involved into the local art scene by visiting several art shows in town. I missed that! I adore artistic expression of any kind. One more thing I just have to mention is Prčanj! Oh my God, Prčanj! I have been there about a million times, but I have never really seen it like this summer! The road, the tiny houses, the flowers, the churches, the people, the way sea sparkled differently in the sun on that side… it was all just divine! It's a little piece of heaven! For those of you who don't know, Prčanj is a small seaside town nestled between Muo and Stoliv. It's characterized by 17th and 18th century Venitian architecture that has kept its beauty to this day.

September continued where August left off. I kept on dating, cycling, writing, smiling, oh and dancing, I did a lot of dancing! I was actually crushed for a few days at the end of August after suppressing some negative emotions and fears due to being committed to being a ray of sunshine. I got over it quickly, though. By the first week of September, I was back on my feet. During that first week something unexpected happened. I am going to try to be as vague as possible in order to protect the anonymity of the person involved. What I can tell you is, that I had a night to remember with someone I met a few days prior; it was the night that I have been dreaming of. I am not sure how or why that happened when it did, but I am tremendously grateful for it. It was one of those once in a lifetime, lightning in a bottle kind of moments that slits into your brain forever; and if I were to detail the night word for word you would fail to see the magic in it because it is well hidden; you had to be there to experience it fully. My favorite parts were: feeling truly heard through having a genuine conversation, palpable chemistry, eye contact that said it all and the overall comfort of the whole night. Since asking for anything more would've been presumptuous, we said our goodbyes and left the memory of that night within the confines of The Old Town. I left for Belgrade and they left somewhere further away. In Belgrade I picked up my diploma and spent plenty of quality time with my friends and family. At the end of the trip I had to do a blood test which I wasn't exactly excited for, but it had to be done for the purposes of crossing the border. The charms of travelling during the pandemic, am I right? When I returned, I was surprised to find out that my apartment had become a storage unit because the construction on the roof is about to start in a couple of days, and that is why I had to move into my sister's place straight away. Quarantine 2.0 here we go! Ungodly amounts of rain, wind and cold undoubtedly marked the end of summer, making me put even more pressure on keeping a good attitude. I am a summer child through and through. How I am going to exist during the cold months is a mystery. I suppose how I've always existed, but more intently this time. I have actually been thinking about how wonderful this chapter of my life is! Yes, I am bouncing around and nothing is certain and I have no clue where I'll end up, but I have so much freedom to explore whatever I want! I could never do that before. There was always something or someone that stood in the way. As anybody I am free to be and do anything, whereas as somebody I would be constrained to a specific role and place. This is working very well in my favor.  It's all about the perspective in my opinion. Right now, on the last day of September, I am waiting for the decision to be made regarding my internship. I am crossing my fingers tightly this time. This is going to be a major decision. Whatever happens I am bound to make the most of it. You can count on that! Now I must leave you as I am absolutely exhausted. I promise I'll write soon (the next update might be a yearly one). Good night!