Ana-log No. 15 (November and December)

 

Photo: @ninotbh on Instagram

Hey, hey! Welcome to the final installment of Ana-logs for the year of 2022. I this part I shall continue the story I started in October.

Gosh, I do not even have the mental capacity to form thoughts, let alone speak or write about everything that happened, but I am going to make an attempt because I simply cannot hold it any longer. Where do I want to start/continue? Let’s start from the fact that I came back from Skopje utterly exhausted. My energy was on the all time low and I just wanted to be alone, but I also had lots of soft and fluttery amorous feelings that I desperately wanted to share with someone. That is why I jumped back on the apps and arranged yet another date.

This excited me, but it didn’t help in terms of shifting my focus from you know who. It only intensified my feelings and made me act out in the way I am not necessarily proud of. Yes, I sent another message. He responded. But that message was just the tip of the iceberg. The next message I sent did not receive a follow up. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Isn’t this a little too familiar?”, but it wasn’t because he promised he’d respond. It’s been more than a week and I still haven’t heard from him nor seen him. The silence is deafening. I am biting my tongue because I know that I have done all that I could, even though it doesn’t feel like that. I still feel like I can somehow change everything that happened and the current situation, but I know that isn’t true. I just need to accept what happened and move on.

Photo: @artfucker on Instagram

To be quite honest with you, I do not think this is where our story ends. It feels a little too easy and both of us are far from easy. From what I can tell thus far, this is just a speed bump that we need to get over. When will that be? I have no clue. It could take months or years, or centuries even, but I don’t think this is where it ends. I am prepared to wait because I have never met anyone quite like him, and I don’t think I will. I am going to try, though. I am not going to sit still hoping and praying he comes to his senses because that would be a waste of time. I am going to keep the hope alive no matter what, but I am still going to seek partnership with other people as that is what I currently crave the most. If he shows up again, great! If he doesn’t, who cares. I managed just fine before I met him and I’ll manage just as well now. I do still feel like pushing myself off a cliff, make no mistake, but I just have to keep going, and that’s the end of that.

Moving on to life post heartbreak. The day after I came from Skopje I was not only waiting for my bestie to arrive, but also the washing machine repairman. They comically arrived almost at the same time. The machine got fixed pretty quickly, so she and I could relax. We spent a few lazy days together, since the weather wasn’t the best. It was gloomy and rainy for the most part. We still managed to spend some quality time chatting, walking around and we even saw a play with her mom, who was also here, and some other people. 

"Sumnjivo lice" play

After she left I was trying to recuperate. I was still in this obsessive, hazy phase of my life. I couldn’t sit still and I barely slept. Something snapped in me and I decided to go to therapy.

At first it was for comedic purposes since I had just ended things with a psychologist (think of the irony), but then I realized it would actually be beneficial for my mental health. I had accumulated tons of stress and unhealed trauma during the past few months, that I clearly needed help with. I just had no idea how bad it was until I utterly lost my mind. I got there one Monday afternoon and spoke at length of my family, life after quitting my job as a journalist, my feelings, self image, stress… I couldn’t believe how much fit into that small one hour window. She reassured me and made me feel comfortable in my discomfort. I returned once more at the beginning of December and I plan to come back again in January.

My moods

My insane romantic euphoria continued well into November. I continued texting a few men (I write the word “men” very cautiously and you’ll see why soon) without many expectations. I had no real plan, other than going with the flow. I was still in quite the despair over the aforementioned psychologist drama and I just wanted to slap a band aid on it. The guy that came my way helped me do that, for a while at least. This guy was sweet, gentle, kind and very interesting. He was also an artist, which is something that instantly made me attracted to him. We talked for a while over Bumble and then decided to meet on the 19^th of November.

A few days before we met

It was a gloomy and drizzly day that killed every ounce of thrill in my body and mind, but I nevertheless picked myself up and went out to meet him. I waited for a solid 30 minutes with my umbrella in hand until he finally arrived. I felt undeniable attraction to him as soon as we gave each other a side hug. He was wearing a bright yellow jacket that I just loved and that I thought complimented his yellow eyes beautifully. I wasn’t quite sure how he felt about me because of his reserved demeanor. He barely made eye contact. This was later explained to me when he said that it’s easier for him to concentrate when not making direct eye contact.

We continued walking downtown until we found a coffee place. It was a small café that I really liked, called Red Rooster. We sat down and continued talking whilst sipping our coffee. The atmosphere was pretty relaxed and comfortable for the most part. He was different from anyone I’ve met, by which I mean that he was serious but not intimidating. Although he barely smiled, his aura felt warm and safe and familiar. I didn’t feel threatened for even a second. I did feel a tad annoyed by the sheer amount of words coming out of his mouth, but I kind of managed to brush it aside.

After we had coffee there my general impression was neither overly excited, nor totally indifferent. I was fine with whichever direction our date took. I had no clue what was about to happen when we went looking for a second coffee spot.

We went out looking for a place where they served Turkish coffee, as that is his favorite. It was still drizzly so I had my umbrella on hand. Giving that he’s taller than me I naturally gave him the umbrella to hold. Then I asked him if I could hold onto his forearm, which he consented to. I still had no idea what he was thinking because he kept quite a poker face.

Anyways, we sat down yet again, this time right across from each other. At this point I was thinking that if anything happens between us it would happen once we say our goodbyes, but I was quite mistaken. There we were making casual conversation and all of a sudden he says: “I like you.” I said it back and then we held hands across the table for a few seconds looking at each other in the eyes. Afterwards he asked me to sit next to him, which was code for: “Come and kiss me”, to which I obviously complied. We kissed for a bit and talked all the same. Our conversation became a bit more serious, switching over to the topic of our past relationships, plans for the future, our respective families, etc. All was looking well. I had high hopes.

And so we left to catch a trolleybus holding hands and kissing intermittently. We then agreed to meet on the following Friday, the 25^th of November. This was coincidentally exactly a month after I first met the infamous psychologist. We excitedly counted the days leading up to our meeting. 

Pajo and I

My friend Pajo also stayed with me for two days in the meantime. We actually had a great time together. I’m really glad he finally came. He left on Friday afternoon around 2 pm and I quickly rushed over to my apartment in order to have lunch, vacuum, mop, clean other surfaces, change the sheets, take a shower, get dressed and make dinner. In hindsight it was a lot of work and I was still so exhausted, but I had to finish what I started.

He swung by the apartment at around 8 pm and I welcomed him into my space with open arms and heart. I won’t paint you a picture of what we did, though, I’m sure he could and would, but I’ll just say we’ve done pretty much everything in the book. He even stayed until Saturday afternoon. We had a blast, or so I thought.

After he left, my instinct told me something was off, but I didn’t want to believe it. I thought I was just overtired and also my body was aching from last night. I wanted to believe everything would be fine, but that wasn’t the case. He pretty much ghosted me on Sunday after having our usual text exchange and kept doing that until Monday evening. That’s when I completely lost it! I was actually livid. I couldn’t bear going through the same scenario for the second time within two months. I tried to hold it together, keep my composure and wait for him to respond, but I just couldn’t. I kept on ignoring it by doing random chores and watching “Fleabag”. I even took tranquillizers to calm myself down, yet they had little to no effect. Mind you I was also sleep deprived because I hadn’t been sleeping properly for weeks. I also woke up in tears that very morning. I was done. I couldn’t take no more. I just wanted to resolve this issue.

Photo: @stuckonsurvival on Instagram

So there I was watching “Fleabag” trying to ignore what was happening, when my friends continued checking up on me, as they knew about the whole situation. I naturally started crying as I began talking about it to one of them. In the midst of my nervous breakdown I snapped and sent him a voice message saying how I understand what is going on and that it is completely fine if he doesn’t want to talk, but that I am still open for conversation. I also mentioned that I am keeping his belongings safe until he comes back for them. He responded in no more than 3 minutes, saying how he needs time to think and how he is unsure how to make an emotional connection because he is broken. I then expressed a desire to have a conversation about it in order to attempt to resolve the issue, to which he agreed, promising to come that week or the following week, and that is when our lines of communication had cut off yet again. I still haven’t heard from him and I don’t know if I will. His belongings are torturing me psychologically and I cannot wait to give them back to him. I don’t care what happens with us. I just need for my place to be mine again.

During this whole affair, I was also in the midst of several professional engagements. I had applied to a few positions and was waiting to hear back from a certain famous actress regarding a TV show appearance. This in fact did occur on the 2^nd of December. I cannot even begin to explain the level of my excitement! I have wanted to do something of that caliber for ages. As a huge Ellen show fan I always dreamed of being a part of a TV show, either as a guest or a host. I was truly beside myself when I saw that dream laid out right in front of me.

Ready for the show

I arrived to the studio at around 1 pm and was brought into the dressing room where I had my makeup done. A very nice lady sat me down and began painting my face. She gave me a pretty simple look with a red lipstick that complemented me quite nicely. All was left for me to was wait to be called. The clock was ticking and I was at the edge of my seat. Show time ensued after a few minutes. I was instructed to stand in front of a giant screen and wait for it to open. My head was literally spinning and I couldn’t contain my excitement. Soon I heard the host say my name and saw the screen move to the side. I walked out confidently in my silky navy blue dress and the brightest of smiles. I gave her a hug and sat down on the couch beside another guest. Our host Suzana interviewed me about my career, particularly about the recent viral video project I did with my former place of employment. We spoke of people, feelings and everything in between, then it was time to interview her. This was an absolute delight and I loved every second of it. 

Suzana and I

After we wrapped that up we moved on over to play a guessing game and finished the show by having some delicious snacks. I had made a bit of a “faux par” when I mentioned that I’d like to continue to work with them, but oh well. You have to realize where I was coming from. I was in a state of extreme anxiety, sleep deprivation, I had spent the past days crying my eyes out and popping tranquilizers. The fact that my heart hadn’t given out is a miracle. People can truly withstand more than they think they can. Each day I am startled to find I survived.

When that whole affair ended, I thought I would finally get some rest, but I was sagely mistaken because my family announced their arrival on the 5^th of December. Needless to say I wasn’t too thrilled given my current state of being. I desperately needed to be by myself. I needed to cry it out. I needed to sleep it away. But what can you do. I managed to put on a happy face somehow. I wasn’t feigning emotional stability, but I wasn’t sulking either. I was just trying to be a functional human being the best way I knew how.

 
This was also when I received a call back regarding a job in marketing. Just when I had given up on it, I was told I had been accepted into their training program. I was still not too excited about that workplace because it seemed very inconsistent and not exactly aligned with my interests, but I had nothing better to do, so I said yes. The precarious training lasted for a week and I basically got rejected, though there’s still a chance they might give me a call back in the future.

I don’t know what came over me after, but I’m sensing it’s a pattern where I try to get over one man by getting under another one. Now, this tactic works perfectly in the beginning, it only becomes an issue later when push comes to shove. Anyways, this instance was a tad different because I was truly and clearly out of it. I became this hollow shell of a person with absolutely no energy to function outside of my bedroom. Although I was way past all the crying, there was this numbness that weighed over me like a ton of bricks. I cannot quite explain what force pushed me onto dating apps, but there I was again. I really thought I would just browse for a bit and then leave them for good. This worked for Bumble, but not so much for Badoo, as that is where I got myself into a bit of a pickle yet again.

 
There I was casually chatting and flirting away as you do when you’re a saucy Gemini/Leo mix. I figured I would just text with the two men I clicked with for a week or so and see where it goes. I really wasn’t in shape to physically put myself out there, but I obviously got myself back into that situation. I really, really cannot tell you how. These things just kind of happen to me. In my defense, I have none. I’m kidding! Honestly, though, I made exactly zero moves and been sort of a dry texter thinking the guy would lose interest, but the exact opposite happened. This only made him try harder and we eventually formed a connection, so he asked me out and I said yes. We decided to meet on the 10^th of December.

To be honest I was more so curious than expecting anything to spark between us, because he was also a Gemini and 26 like me. It is extremely rare for me to meet a romantic partner that is my exact age and sign. He was only six days older than me. Imagine that! However, I had doubts we’d actually find commonalities since it was apparent how different we were from the get go. We had some common interests, but our temperaments seemed polar opposites. Also, given my poor experience with artsy types I went into that whole experience thinking: “I’ll just have a drink with this guy and go home because nothing is going to happen. We are far too different.” And so I went. I waited for a bit until I saw him all bright and smiley. He gave me a big hug and suggested a place for us to sit at.

We sat down and continued chatting. He obviously talked more than I, as do most people because I am not that much of a talker, especially when I don’t know the person. It takes me a bit to warm up, which is perfectly normal. I am actually glad he was chattier than me because that made me feel more relaxed and at ease. His general demeanor gave an air of effervescent confidence that intrigued me from the very beginning. Lana Del Rey’s monologue from National Anthem gives a perfect description of his character by saying: “...He was charismatic, magnetic, electric and everybody knew it. When he walked in every woman's head turned, everyone stood up to talk to him…”

I wouldn’t say he was conventionally attractive, but what he lacked in appearance he made up in wit and charm. I was drawn to him like a moth to a flame and I didn’t even realize it until later. There were subtle touches in between conversations, but I was the one who initiated the first kiss. I noticed he had a dimple in his cheek and I mentioned how that is called an angel’s kiss, to which he said that he only has one kiss. I then kissed his other cheek, moved over to his lips, and said cheekily: “Now you have three.” We hung out for a bit and then left to his office so he could get his charger. It was raining, but we didn’t mind. We walked hand in hand and even kissed sometimes. At one point I stood in front of him and began walking backwards as I was kissing him.

One of the funniest moments occurred when we started talking about our birthdays. That’s when I said that my birthday falls on the 19^th of June, to which he said that his nephew’s falls on the 20^th and then I said that my friend Caka celebrates hers on the 21^st , to which he said something along the lines of: “If only we could find someone whose birthday falls on the 22^nd,” and started looking around. He then leaned over to a corner shop to ask the woman working there if her birthday falls on the 22^nd of June. She said “no” unfortunately, but that moment was hilarious.

We kept walking. He wanted me to come to his place to cuddle which I initially declined because I didn’t want to sleep with him just yet. Eventually I caved because we were having such a great time. I didn’t feel like leaving. I was still iffy about sleeping with him, but I agreed to spend some more time with him at his place. We were listening to music and kissing on his couch. I figured I would stay a bit more than go home, but that’s not how it went down.  

                                            

                                                I put a mark on his wall

                                           

This guy was something else, I tell you. He said that his friend was randomly coming to stay with him that night, so we had to move to the bedroom. It was clear at this point that we would sleep together. There was no denying it. What surprised me more than that was when he asked: “What do we do now? Are we together now?” I gave it a thought and said: “As far as I’m concerned, yes” That is when we started taking our clothes off and you clearly know what happened next.

After we were done we got partially dressed and went to the living room to hang out with his friend. They spoke of their band, music, the people we all knew and movies, of course, as he is a movie director. I failed to mention that. I found them both hilarious, but kind of hard to follow. My social battery was drained at that point. All I wanted was to cuddle in bed next to him and fall asleep. We got to do that eventually, which I appreciated. It was a tad uncomfortable, but I didn’t mind. We shagged a couple more times and that was lovely. He was choking me, pulling my hair, kissing my lips and neck. I was in seventh heaven.

In the morning we went to have breakfast at a nearby restaurant and then we returned to his place. I left soon after. I left feeling overwhelmed with every feeling imaginable. What made this encounter different from the rest was this unexpected sense of calm. I had no worries if we’d work out because I didn’t care. I was right there in the moment. That’s exactly where I wanted to be. I couldn’t care less about the future.

Pizza night

We spent the following weeks together. We were hanging out in each other’s apartments, for the most part, but we also had dinner outside and I even got to see him at work in his office. You wouldn’t believe how intense his job is. His phone is basically glued to his hands or his ear at all times because he has to delegate between actors, producers and others involved in the movie making process. It was especially hectic at this time because it was days before filming started.

Busy, busy

It was a horror that would be filmed on the Serbian mountain Rtanj. As fun as the whole process seemed, it was also quite stressful. He was constantly on the edge and I had no clue how to help him. But I just stayed calm and patient and hopeful that all would be fine once the dust settles. I am still waiting for that to happen as he is currently on set and will stay there until the 14^th of January. I may come to visit him either before or after New Year’s. I am still deciding if I should give him some more space.

Another thing that happened was I finally got my Serbian citizenship! I was truly ecstatic when I received the news. It was about damn time! I finally got that out of the way.

I am kind of worried about my career still, but I am keeping my fingers crossed regarding the opportunity of working on the aforementioned show. Hopefully that works out, but if it doesn’t, I’m sure something else will come up.

It is the 23^rd of December when I am writing these words and I think this is where I will leave you. Obviously I am going to come back next year, but I don’t think much will happen (I hope at least) by the 31^st. There’s still time for life to throw new surprises my way, of course, so I’ll come back to keep you updated if anything newsworthy occurs.

However, if nothing else happens, I just want to reflect on this year once more and say how grateful I am for all events that had shaken me up and made me into the person I am today. I had truly gone through a personal transformation and although it wasn’t comfortable, it was very necessary. Every day I thank my lucky stars I not only survived but thrived through it all. I may have fallen down many times, but I also picked myself up each time. I never, under no circumstances, let my spirit be destroyed and I am really proud of myself for that.

I hope 2023 will be a bit calmer, though. I had gone through enough emotionally. I cannot bare much more. But if new storms come into play I will fight them off with all of the tools in my personal tool box. I know I’ll be ready for anything that comes my way.

May you have a blessed New Year, whoever you are, from whichever part of the world you are reading these words. I hope the sun forever shines light into your spirit and that love washes over your body like an ocean.

Love,
Ana K.