Ana-log No. 8 (June, July and August)

 

Photo: @griefmother on Instagram

Hello again! I don’t know why do I even bother gathering my thoughts from the past three months when they have been absolutely horrendous, but here is my attempt at staying transparent and consistent. I shall detail what my life was like between June and August in this update. There may be some fits of anger, some tears, some frustration, questionable moments…I may even throw in a few good words for good measure (should I find them). All in all, I promise it won’t be boring, so let us begin!

The first couple of days in June were terribly uneventful. I just went about my life as usual; I was writing, buzzing around town with friends or family, doing chores around the house and starting to plan my 25^th birthday party. Mercury was still in retrograde during this time. You may remember the mess it caused at the end of May. Well, baby, that was just the tip of the iceberg! It had many more areas to ruin and it was not holding back. This time it specifically targeted my love life by bringing up people from my past with whom I had unresolved matters that were about to stab me right in the back. The first one was fairly innocuous and civil. I managed it rather maturely. But the second one…. Oh, boy! I don’t even want to get into it. I am still getting flashbacks from that one. It’s “no bueno”. I’ll just say that after the second one I didn’t want risk any other ghosts coming back to haunt me, so I did what I had to do, by which I mean I blocked several people I was talking to last year, including the one I hoped I wouldn’t have to. Looking back at it, I am kind of glad it happened the way it did because I was subconsciously looking for an excuse to block them because they were giving me less than nothing and I was just not having it. If you are going to stay in touch with me, you have to try a little harder. I have zero tolerance for minimal effort. I am far above it. Deleting my Tinder profile was another precautionary measure I took. It seemed like a no-brainer after seeing just how much evil arose from it. It had to go. How am I going to meet someone in the wild? I have precisely no clue, but I have this new found confidence and some sense of style with a personality and wit to match, so I’ll just have to roll with the punches. I am remaining open to new possibilities, as always. Days after the drama subsided, my birthday rolled around. I had planned this pretty, pastel-colored picnic at a nearby field. I made cute little sandwiches (tringles and open-faced ones with little cherry tomatoes which I arranged to look like cherries with thin salad strips as cherry stems), lemon-lime drink, packed chips, dips, cookies and the birthday cake, of course. My friends and I had the best time! It was beautiful and serene, and surprisingly not hot at all. We need to gather outside again and we will! That was a nice reset from all the drama and the new drama that would ensue only days after my birthday.

Birthday picnic

The new drama rounded up the month of June and continued well into July. Since it happened within family lines, I won’t share much about it because I don’t want to air my dirty laundry online. Oh, who am I kidding? That’s all I do. Be that as it may, I still want to keep a tight lip for the sake of someone else’s privacy. But for the sake of explaining the severity of the situation, I will just say that it had shaken me up so violently that I couldn’t come to my senses for weeks. I took tranquilizers to calm myself, I slept a lot and barely left the house. Conveniently enough, I also had to leave for Belgrade during this horrible time, which I contemplated quite a bit since I didn’t think it would be wise to leave without reaching some sort of closure, but I still went after all because I needed to clear my head and I didn’t have the energy for uncomfortable conversations just yet. I reached Belgrade early in the morning, where I was faced with new challenges, as well as new opportunities.

Belgrade at night

I finally met my mentor from Ilustrovana politika and she was so lovely! We spoke of journalism and life; she gave me good advice about advancing in my career, which I am incredibly thankful for. After that I applied to a few positions and inquired about internships. Keeping me company during my stay was my niece Jovana (my paternal cousin’s daughter) who was studying for her exams at the college that I graduated from. I was so glad to have her there for I couldn’t bear to be alone during that time. The silence was literally deafening. She was a great company! We got along well and chatted quite a bit. A few days after, her close friend and  namesake also stayed with us and that elevated the experience even further. I knew of her friend through her, but we’ve never actually met until that point and I am glad we did. She is such a sweet person and a talented flute player. The two Jovanas both had exams during our joint stay in Belgrade, which made our quality time limited. However, we still appreciated having one another around. After they left, the apartment felt a bit lonelier, but I got used to it pretty quickly. It was nothing I haven’t felt before. Anyways, when they left, I continued researching my career options whilst having mild emotional breakdowns here and there. What else happened? Oh, right! My darling Caka had graduated from the Faculty of international politics and security. I am so glad I was there to support her, alongside her other friends and colleagues. I spent most of the remaining days with my other friend Kaća, with whom I went to an outdoor cinema, a book evening and many strolls around the city.

Outdoor cinema

I also spent time with my Twins (she’s technically my aunt but usually say we’re cousins to avoid the confusion since she’s two years younger than me) and got to meet her cutie pie of a dog Henrik (also known as Heni). Henrik is a tiny yorkie with a huge personality! No wonder she’s so obsessed with him!

Henrik and I

 On one of the last days, I went out with our family friend Ana. She is actually my sister Milica’s college friend, but through the years she became our mutual friend (that such a great perk about siblings, even the ones with as large of an age gap as ours; we have people that we all like and are close to and that is what unites us; I wonder how those people feel about catering to three people at once, though; I may do a little digging to find that out).

The drinks we had

Ana is such a wonderful and caring person that I love spending time with! I find that she often provides a unique perspective that really makes you look at the world differently. Once we said our goodbyes, I went home and started packing pretty soon. I arrived home to Kotor by the end of the month.

August added more unnecessary stress. I really didn’t need it. I was just looking to enjoy one last free summer before work started. But life had other plans. I felt dazed and depleted for most of my stay. I didn’t have the energy to do much, other than lounge around the living room, read eBooks (I read André Aciman’s “Find me” and Lana Del Rey’s “Violet bent backwards over the grass”) and binge watch “The Nanny” (a phenomenal show; do watch it if you haven’t already). The hordes of tourists didn’t help either. I am the kind of person that doesn’t appreciate sensory overload. I just can’t stand crowds, loud people and loud sounds for too long. On the rare occasions when I would leave my home was to appease my friends, (and partly myself), and to see my family. Speaking of family, there were a lot of them there as well, because my elder sister came with her family (her husband and the three boys). Apart from coming to see us, they were also there to celebrate their youngest son Lazar’s 2^nd birthday. The birthday was Barbapapa themed, since that is his all-time favorite cartoon and all of the kids appreciated it, as well. It was just wonderful!

Lazar's cake

The kids were roaming around playing games, the adults were chatting, there was cake and other desserts. Needless to say, it was a smashing success! All of the kids kind of flocked to me, as I am the closest to them in age and I loved playing with them. I love how they listen to me and respect me, but do not feel threatened by me. When the birthday bash ended, I pretty much returned to my old ways. I tried cycling again, but it wasn’t as much fun as it was last year. It was far too crowded with tourists and cars. The roads were so narrow that I even managed to bump my knuckle on one of the wing mirrors as I was passing by. Thankfully it didn’t get bruised, though. Regardless of that, I didn’t enjoy it all that much. The magic and the thrill I felt last year had completely worn off; and without them it just wasn’t worth it. Perhaps the only thing I enjoyed was cycling during the evening, when there were fewer crowds. 

Muo at night

I particularly enjoyed cycling to the little beach (its location shall remain undisclosed because I selfishly want to keep it as my little secret) where I went skinny dipping for the first time and once again a few nights later. Although it was incredibly liberating, I did feel a bit apprehensive about swimming in the dark where I couldn’t even see my own body, let alone any other creatures milling within the deep blue. Alas, I got over that fear somehow after seeing that it was fairly safe, but I still got out the water as quickly as I got in because I didn’t want to tempt fate. I hope to do it again sometime in the future (perhaps not alone; I’m just throwing it in the ether). I surprisingly enjoyed it more than I thought I would! How I spent my last days off, you may ask? Well, let me tell you! Now, what would be the best analogy here? Oh, yes! The last few days were much like leaving the pot of whatever you were cooking on the stovetop, turning your back for two minutes, coming back to it, then frantically rushing to clean up the mess whilst being careful not to burn yourself and salvage as much of the meal as possible. I think that’s the best way to put it. Basically, I cramped everything I was putting off for the last couple of weeks into that last week. I finished writing the BAS article and saw more of my friends, of course, but more importantly, I went to two doctors’ appointments (gynecological and ophthalmological). This is such a huge struggle of mine! I tend to neglect my body because I live deep inside my thoughts. I see my body as a separate, insignificant entity and that is very bad! Do not look at me as an example. Luckily, I have friends who are more responsible about those kinds of things to remind me to take better care of my body. I really need to because if I don’t, I can kiss my brain goodbye. It won’t function properly if the rest of me is in poor health. All is well for now and boy, am I relieved! Another part I want to mention is the little “damage control” my bestie and I did after her close friend had gotten himself into a traffic accident. I hate to do this again, but I cannot write anything about it because I do not have his consent, so I will simply say that it all worked out in his and everyone else’s favor.  Along with the previous happenings, the incident rounded up my final days in Kotor. The last moments of my stay were spent painstakingly organizing, packing, cleaning, washing, etc. When the 29^th rolled around I set off for Belgrade and arrived on the 30^th. I spent the last two days relaxing and preparing for my internship that was about to start on the 1^st of September.