Ana-log No. 1 (latter half of 2019 + January of 2020)

 I thought I should ring in the first month of the New Year with a life update, so here it is. I have decided to begin compiling all emotions, happenings, ponderings, hopes etc. experienced during a longer period of time into one cohesive unit instead of doing it in dribs and drabs as I have done before. These updates may occur yearly or monthly, depending on the urgency of the report. This one, for instance is going to be a yearly update on some of my happenings during the year 2019 (and the first part of 2020). I might be a Debbie Downer but I will attempt to make it comical. Please try to bear with me!

 
   First of all, I cannot explain to you how many times I have written and erased this update in my head; I either did not have the time or the energy to lay it all down or the words simply escaped me. I had the worst case of writer’s block for the great chunk of the year. We can scratch that now because I am here now to make up for the lost time. 

 
I want to start from the summer of 2019 since nothing particularly newsworthy happened before; I was mostly focused on graduating college, which in fact, did happen in July. I did not anticipate how anticlimactic it would be. I graduated and nobody batted an eye. It was almost as if it was implied that I would, which was great in way, I suppose, because it meant that they had faith in me, but even so, I expected more. Oh well… That was eventually swept under the rug like everything else. The past summer was also memorable because it was the first time that I had a roommate for the entire duration of my stay. What that experience taught me, was that I can actually tolerate another person being in my vicinity for longer than I thought; I did not scream internally half as much as I expected to. I also learnt that voicing one’s grievances is crucial for the benefit of mutual easement. Romantically speaking, I had my eyes set on a certain person (I am going to use gender neutral pronouns from this point on because of two reasons: 1) the gender is practically irrelevant to me/the majority of my stories 2) I do not have the right to assume someone’s identity even if it seems obvious, because we all know what assuming does, right?) from my hometown for a second, until I realized that pursuing them would not be the wisest idea primarily because we were in different places in our lives, particularly in terms of our relationship status. They had a very recent public agenda with another person whom I had previously met, which is something I do not prefer because; for one thing, the wound is still fresh, emotions are still raw, I wouldn’t feel right about going after a person in such state of mind; and for another, knowing that I could come into their life after their long-term partner would not sit well with me, especially since I knew their partner. Now, I can make peace with people I am attracted to having a past with other people, as long as I don’t know who they are. I like imagining my person as a clean slate with no past, just infinite present, and perhaps a future.  What else? Oh yes, I kept returning to the summer of 2017 (arguably the worst summer of my adolescent life) for some odd, inexplicable reason. I must be some kind of a masochist with a serious Stockholm syndrome, because I don’t have any other explanation. In all seriousness, though, that summer might have been excruciatingly painful one but it was also the period when I have been my most authentic self; I loved fully, I was full of ideas, I had so much hope and zest for life, not to mention that I began writing a screenplay! Speaking of which, I continued writing it and managed to finish it during the final months of 2019! That was a huge milestone for me because I am notorious for starting projects, losing interest and quitting. But I had firmly decided that would not be the case with this one, for it was very important to me. Man, oh man what a journey that was! I had forgotten how it felt to be in each character’s full position. I found myself experiencing their lives as if they were my own; their struggles took a genuine emotional toll on me. I did not only see them as names on a page. They were real to me. And perhaps, they do exist somewhere in the world or in another far away dimension. Anyways, I am quite pleased with how it turned out. I still have some finishing touches to make, but all in all it’s not too shabby for my first original screenplay! It only goes up from here, am I right? Returning back to the summer events, I spent a great deal of it stressing about which master’s to enroll into, which is a story in itself, but I will not keep you for now (I shall go into detail below). All the stressing rushed me into making a snap decision to cut my vacation short and fly back to Belgrade to enroll much sooner than was necessary. However, I did not mind because I also had a chance to meet my little baby nephew who had been born the previous month. I spent most days with the baby and the rest of the family, which I enjoyed initially, but as is the case with most things with repetitive nature, this became tedious. I had more free time than I knew what to do with. The big city suddenly had nothing to offer me and my small town, though beautiful, bored me endlessly. There were plans to travel somewhere with my friends, but they fell through for one reason or another. In hindsight, I should have taken off to some foreign land by myself for a couple of days. I suppose I was holding onto hope that our plans will still somehow see the light of day.

And so, the summer came and went, just like any other, but the classes did not follow it. I had to wait practically until the last month of the year, and by then I grew restless, dispirited and unwilling to make compromises with the precarious program I settled for. I cannot claim with complete certainty that the situation would have been different had I been more enthusiastic about the program because by that time all I wanted was to take a gap year so I would be free to roam about and further explore my interests outside of the classroom, which is something that inevitably happened. At first, I tried to fit in and put my best foot forward, but the odds were not in my favor; if it weren’t the classes, it was the timing, or the approach or my health. Yes, I even got sick, and I never get sick! Coincidence? I hardly think so. What also bothered me was, their perception of me (with the exception of a few people). But I am getting ahead of myself. More will be said on that topic in the paragraph bellow. Before I begin, I need you to remember that what I am about to share are simply my personal feelings, and feelings are not facts. Feelings are not facts! Are we in the clear? Alright.

Having said that, feelings may not be facts, but facts are not feelings either, meaning that nothing could have made an impact against my impression. At first, I actually considered staying because I thought the brilliance of high-achieving individuals might rub off on me, but I ultimately opted out of it, for I knew in my heart of hearts that I will never be one of them (be it a blessing or a curse). I felt as though I was inferior to the other students due to my lack of experience (I was not made aware that this would be an issue when I first came in for an interview, might I add), which, mind you, is the sole reason why I enrolled into the program in the first place; I strived to gain experience.  Although their approach was not aggressive, I still felt very much judged by their standpoint. I am sorry that I had not became a bestselling author by the time I was twenty; I was busy doing other things. Get off my case pillow lips! I fully realize that I am a late bloomer in more ways than one, and for a good reason too, because that is what produces the best possible results for me. I certainly could have published a few works by now but what would have been the point in doing that? I know I am not in my prime yet; I have not gained enough life experience and have not known the literary world long enough, so until I do, until I feel that I can create something of quality I will keep working quietly in my corner. My moto is the same as ever: “Quality over quantity.” I believe in living purposively above all else. This is also an excellent lesson in privilege where a famous quote fits in perfectly and that is: “Whenever you feel like criticizing anyone, just remember that all the people in this world haven't had the advantages that you've had.”  As a small-town girl, I did not grow up with the plentiful opportunities that city folk had. I was dealt a bad hand from the very beginning. There was little point in reaching for the stars because they were out of sight. Additionally, I am not much of a people person, which is something that held me back in general. Keeping my anxiety at bay in large settings can be torturous at times and it has truly been a challenge of a lifetime. I am not saying all of this to place pity upon myself or to make excuses, but to simply put everything into perspective. I am not defeated, but energized towards putting a calculated effort into bettering my life piece by piece every day. But it evidently bothers me when others judge me without knowing my story, thus I could not stay there any longer.  Another thing, the college building was not exactly in the safest part of the city and the classes were always held in the evening hours, which had me wondering: “Why on Earth would I potentially put my life in danger just so I could spend 3 hours in the environment that makes me thoroughly uncomfortable studying something that is vaguely related to my field of interest with the people who do not have my best interest at heart?” As you can see, all the signs were pointing to the flashing exit.

So, now that I left, you would think that I would feel relieved, and in a sense, I am, but the prospects of adult life frighten me terribly. All I have ever known was the collegial environment. That is where I thrived, that is where I made friends and colleagues and that is what determined my schedule. I feel like one of those domesticated bunnies being out in the wild for the first time running away from the hungry cayote. What is going to happen now? Am I going to find a job and be confined to the same time and space forever? How do people not want to kill themselves every day? Perhaps they do. What do I know. Who would even hire me? You would think that I would be eligible to work anywhere with all the schooling I went through, but no. I am trained for nothing! Can someone come and shoot me between the eyes and put me out of my misery, please?! This is what catastrophizing looks like! In all honesty, though, I do have hope that life is going to be beautiful once everything sorts out, even if it takes a little time. Wish me luck!