Ana-log No. 13 (June, July and August)

 

Photo: @ninotbh on Instagram

Why, hey there! Long time no see, or should I say write. I almost forgot how to this thing. I apologize for leaving you hanging for so long. The tangles of adult life had their grips on me. Free time was tough to come by. Fear not, though, for I am back and I shall explain what the heck has been happening in this crazy little life of mine.

Starting with June, a.k.a my birth month, Pride month and arguably the most beautiful month out of the year. Just looking at my agenda, I can tell Mercury Retrograde ended on the 2^nd of June, which made the air a bit lighter around me. My bestie arrived to Belgrade on the 4^th and stayed with me for a couple of days since she had to go to a check up. After that, I finally settled the documents needed for my citizenship! Can I get a hallelujah?! That was just the beginning, of course, but at least I got the ball rolling, so to say.

Sign at the police office

God, my brain is so foggy. It must be the retrograde. It’s been driving me totally insane for days. I’ll write more on that later.

Let me try to gather my thoughts. My birthday also occurred during that time. It was a simple affair. Nothing too flashy or over exuberant. Hardly worth mentioning. I wasn’t too thrilled about turning 26, to be quite frank. I was sort of indifferent, then I felt bogged down by its perceived enormity, which melted into self-pity and mild fearfulness about the future. It may seem odd, but I already feel old and like I am so far behind, even though I am still a wide-eyed child exploring this world of ours. I just feel like am not going to be alive for long. I am certain that I won’t make it to 100, but the prospects of making it to 50 also seem unlikely. Perhaps that is the reason why I always feel like I am chasing time.

My birthday

Above all, I don’t feel like I belong here. And I am not sure that I ever did. Earth is not my home. I don’t feel welcome here, nor understood and definitely not appreciated for all that I am. That is why I am looking forward to crossing over to the other side. I am not suicidal by any means, I am just looking excitedly into the future.

It’s funny how people become sorrowful or afraid when they talk about death. Not me. I know there is afterlife because I’ve seen it. I’ve lived before and I’ll live again in a reality more magnificent than anyone has ever seen or imagined on Earth. That is sometimes the only thing giving me strength. I keep thinking about all the beautiful things waiting for me once I cross over to Mercury, or Heaven or wherever that place may be called. Hopefully it will be Mercury. I feel a strong connection to it, even when we’re feuding (like right now).

I got off on a bit of a tangent there, didn’t I? I’m sorry. There’s just so much going on that I feel like my head is going to explode any day now.

Another thing that I want to share about the end of June is that I began feeling my friendships shifting significantly during that time. Well, I’m sure they’ve been shifting all along, but I just recently caught on, especially to one particular friendship, but I won’t write much about it because I am sure they wouldn’t appreciate me doing that. I will just say that one instance regarding them made me re-evaluate our entire relationship and its foundations. People are really not who we imagine them to be. Be careful who you let into your life.

Me at work

Moving on to July, where I’m pretty sure I decided I was going to quit my job in September, a few days after my one year anniversary since started working for that company elapsed. I just could not take it anymore, you know? It was, and is, pure torture. Don’t get me wrong, I still love media and journalism with all my heart, but that environment just isn’t the right fit for me. I need vibrant people who are full of life and light, willing to change the world for the better and who care about other people no matter if they are alike or different from themselves. That is the only way I am going to move closer to my truth and stay on my path of justice. I truly believe there is Utopia right here on this Earth, despite feeling utterly alienated from most of it. I know there’s a place where each of us can rest our souls, even for a moment in time.

The editorship

Somewhere in the middle of July was where my team and I filmed a now viral video in which I stood in several places across the city of Belgrade with an “If you’re missing somebody give me a hug” sign which invited people to approach me, and approach me they did. I can’t say I was surprised, but I was still quite pleased with how the project was received. I wanted to do something of that caliber my whole life, or at least since I got addicted to Buzzfeed videos during its early years, and my wish finally came true! Could I do something to the same effect again? I don’t know. But I am hopeful.

Photo: Espreso.rs on YouTube

Since I am leaving the company, finding a cameraperson will be challenging, and it’s not like I can film it on my own. However, I am thinking of transferring my work onto a video format. I think it will get more traction. It is certainly far out of my comfort zone and skill level, but I think it’s time I try it. Many before me have, and have found success in it, so why couldn’t I? I’ll certainly have time to think it through once I escape the terror.

Anyways, as I was saying, my head was about to explode during the first days of summer and I was very glad to announce I would be using some of my vacation days. Initially I was going to go somewhere with my male bestie, but we couldn’t find anything that suited both of us, or our respective budgets, and once I came to Kotor, he couldn’t spare any free time to even visit any of the surrounding cities in Montenegro (apart from one, which is like five minutes away, so that doesn’t count). That ticked me off sufficiently, because: a) I specifically set aside that time so we could finally spend some time outside of Kotor, b) I waited for him for days and months in Belgrade, and he never showed; there was always something in his way (mind you, Belgrade is about 40 minutes away from Kotor, by plane, meaning you can come and go within one weekend), not to mention I have been living here for about six or seven years now and he hasn’t visited once. I literally have no words. Every time I remember it I get annoyed again, but more so towards myself because I keep my hopes up, when I should just make my own plans and travel on my own, like I should have done a long time ago. Hopefully, I’ll learn my lesson soon because this cycle is utterly exhausting.

Perast

So, I spent yet another summer in my hometown. The only thing I sort of appreciated was not having to set my alarm. Although, sleeping there was just atrocious. The music from surrounding bars was booming every night right until 1 am, and when the music stopped the church bells continued in the same rhythm. So much for a relaxing vacation. I really didn’t enjoy much of it. Nevertheless, I got to lay around, hang out with friends and family (especially the kiddos) and even ride my bicycle and my trusty little penny board, which brings me to my next point.

I spent one particular day riding my penny board all over my garden without any injuries whatsoever. It wasn’t until I started playing freeze tag with my nieces and nephews that I fell and badly scraped my knee. It burned like hell! Thankfully it healed quickly and left no scar behind. But, oh my god, are kids brave and tough! I completely forgot what that felt like, so I was in a sense grateful for that experience.

The injury

What else have I done there? I went swimming a handful of times because I don’t enjoy it as much as I used to when I was little. It’s just a fuss. I can’t be bothered with shaving, washing my hair and showering again and again. I cannot deal with it. And, besides, I don’t even enjoy swimming or sunbathing around people, especially when my friends aren’t with me.

Sunset in Dobrota

Other than that, I went to an art gallery with my friend and to a couple of coffee dates and walks with friends. I sort of saw my family, though it was so busy, so we couldn’t spend actual quality time.

Gallery visit

Time flew by quickly and I was soon on my way to Belgrade, or so I thought. As soon as I arrived to the airport in Tivat, I was kicked in the face by the swarms of people waiting for hours. In case you haven’t heard, there is a huge airline crisis which is why many flights had to be delayed. So there I was, stuck in the middle of the crowd waiting and hoping I won’t have to return home to Kotor.

Tivat airport

I waited for 15 minutes, which turned into half an hour and then an hour or more. People were becoming agitated and some of them even physically unwell. There were also a bunch of kids trying to wait patiently. We were all stewing in the same pot, not knowing what will happen next. Thankfully or prayers were answered when we received a call to go through the check-in. We quickly boarded the plane, soon after. But, much to our surprise, the plane wasn’t initially flying to Belgrade, but Podgorica to pick up more passengers whose flights had previously been delayed.

Airport Nikola Tesla in Belgrade

All in all, we landed in Belgrade at around noon instead 9:30 or 10 am. All’s well that ends well, I suppose. I even made an acquaintance during the misery. We shared a taxi since we were going in the same direction. Oh, she’s also from Kotor and my mamma was her English teacher! Small world and a wonderful girl! I hope to see her again sometime.

Back in Belgrade, I returned to my typical schedule and daydreaming of freedom that seemed so close, but still out of reach. The rest of the month of August was spent writing articles, interviewing people and whatnot. I have a couple of instances that pushed me over the brink, but I don’t feel particularly inclined to write about them because they are marked as traumatic in my mind and I’d rather try to move pass them. I know that they are by and large considered as minor inconveniences to general public, and boy do I wish I was one of them sometimes, at least. My life would be so much easier. But alas, I feel too deeply and everything affects me deeply. For example, a regular person would be slightly bothered by city noise, whereas, it makes me completely dull and lifeless and makes me never want to leave my home again. This point also makes me wonder if city life is right for me. It has such an adverse effect on my anxiety, which is already pretty terrible on its own. But I don’t know how I’d live without it. Everything I know and love is in the city. I truly revel in everything modern civilization has given us. But, oh, is that natural way of being so tempting! Or does the grass seem greener on the other side? There may come a day when I’ll have the best of both worlds, but for now, I guess I’ll stay right where I am.

Bathroom escape

I have been pondering my mental health. I am still iffy about an official diagnosis, or rather who to talk to about it. I am not sure if having a label would necessarily help me, but I don’t think it would hurt me either. It might actually be quite affirming and answer some questions. I wouldn’t actually be surprised by receiving a diagnosis, because it’s obvious I have one. I am not right in my mind, and yes I can joke about it because I am going through it, which doesn’t apply to any of you when it comes to me or any other mentally ill people.

For start, I think I’ll start seeing a therapist. I think it’s time. Well, it was time (at least) 20 years ago, but I guess now is as good a time as any. I need to become serious about my mental health and doing what’s best for it. I hate that modern society has brought me to this point, because the matter of fact is that I am truly fine on my own. The issues occur when I step outside of my own world or the comfort of people who make me feel at home with myself. Alas, I cannot change my environment, nor who I am fundamentally, but I can still attempt to help myself deal with it better. For now, this is still an idea, a wish, a mere plan floating in the air, waiting to be realized once I have some more time.

And so ended my memories in August. I shall see you in September friend.