Ana-log No. 12 (April and May)

Photo: @geloyconception on Instagram

Hello there! I am not going to beat around the bush in this part, so let’s get right into the nitty-gritty.

I ended the previous part in Kotor where I was debating how to end it with the person who shall remain anonymous. I tossed it and turned it in my mind a couple of times, until I finally settled on breaking up upon my arrival to Belgrade, because I didn’t want their possible adverse reaction to spoil my vacation, one that I was tremendously enjoying.

Flight back to Belgrade

The day came when I returned home to Belgrade. That wasn’t the day when I decided to tell them because I was tired from my trip, so I told them the following day. I composed a very well-written text message that wasn’t too long or melodramatic or overly emotional in any way, but clear and straight to the point. They responded quicker than anticipated with an equally mature message and that was how we parted ways.

I knew I made the right decision when I realized that I didn’t feel emotionally, intellectually or spiritually fulfilled. Between the two of us, you couldn’t piece together half of a person who cared about the relationship. The whole situation was kind of bland and flavorless, like an unseasoned meal. But was it a waste of time? Can I honestly say, after everything that happened in two months, that I wish we never met? Not necessarily. I am thankful for the good times and the memories we made together, but those weren’t enough to sustain me in the long run. The negatives far out weight the positives. As much as I loved the shock value of being in an age gap coupling and watching people’s wide-eyed reactions to it, I knew I would be doing a disservice to both of us if I chose to stay there any longer, thus I decided to do both of us a favor and “pull the band aid” on that one.

Once I got that weight off my shoulders, I felt lighter, and slowly but surely started returning to my old self. I was more present, communicative, happier and my mind was clearer. Right after I broke up with them, I got back to work (on a Sunday, too, because apparently nothing is holy anymore) as it was election day in Serbia. 

My ID

I went straight to the editorship where I got my journalism ID card and with that I went on field to the headquarters of a certain political party where I was bored to death because it was awfully uneventful. I stayed there for a couple of hours, compiled as much information as I could, met a few very nice journalists on the way, then I was sent home. It was nothing to write home about, though.

Work went on as usual during the following weeks. I was working the night shift for two weeks. I hoped that would give me some time to gather the documents I needed in order to apply for Serbian citizenship, but I was sorely mistaken. I managed to get one document that is currently sitting in my room collecting dust because it doesn’t have the power to help me in any way, but I still needed to get it just in case. The other documents are currently giving me a massive headache and irrational anger issues. I just don’t want to deal with it. I am not equipped to do so, and I am scared to even try. But I know I have to. I need it if I want to continue to work, and I do, but my God, is it annoying as hell…Because the entire procedure requires both Serbia and Montenegro to get involved, I was forced to appoint my family to help me out because they currently reside in Montenegro, which I hated because I am not a fan of asking too many favors. I prefer doing things on my own. Anyway, that is what I had to do. Hopefully everything gets sorted out, once and for all.

My living room

That aside, I began feeling like my home was mine again, too, after the aforementioned break up, so I took it upon myself to clean it properly and toss away unnecessary, old and broken objects that were invading my living space. It looks less cluttered and more put together now. I still want to make it more lively and adapt it to my aesthetics, but it’s fine for now. I can’t be bothered to do much else at the moment.

I also started thinking about what else I can do besides work. Yes, I’ve been overwhelmed with the work load, but I still have tons of free time that I am wasting. I want to put it to good use, instead of being on my phone 24/7. Of course I want to travel somewhere and get out of this monotony, but I can’t do that right now because I don’t have any vacation time. The only option would be to go on short weekend trips, which I am considering. I am also thinking of going alone because arranging anything with my friends is such a nightmare.

In the meantime I want to continue writing. I have been neglecting it and that makes me very sad. But I just didn’t feel inspired and I was far too exhausted from the previous happenings in my life. I need to get back into it because that is what I am incredibly passionate about. It is unfortunate that I haven’t found a platform where I can monetize my work, but even if I did, I am not sure I’d be willing to go through the motions of advertising it on social media and being completely immersed into that world. I know what you’re thinking: “You’re on in all the time, so you might as well do something useful with it.” That is correct, but I don’t know if that is my calling. I’d rather work on making enough money and pay someone to promote my work for me. I could post my own content too, when I feel like it. Oh God, that makes me sound like such a lazy person! I swear I’m not. Well, maybe a little bit. Look, I just like doing what I am good at and what makes me feel inspired and content, and that is writing. I am not a visual artist, nor a techie, nor a marketing genius, so I don’t think I should be dealing with matters of that nature, if I don’t have to.

What else? I would like to visit more galleries and museums. Again, I have to do that alone, which I dread because those spaces make me a bit anxious, and also it is more fun to visit them in good company, but that is not an option since I can’t be bothered to wait for my friends to make time to go with me, and most of them don’t even appreciate art as much as I do.

I want to read more, learn about diverse topics and explore the city. I want to get out of my world more. I desperately need to regain that courage that I lost. I feel as am sinking back into my old ways. I am trying to resist, though, and I know I will. I am only getting better as the time goes on.

I might also do volunteer work in some ecological organization, as that is something I am very passionate about. I haven’t had the time to research it yet, but I will. I am curious what else I can do, apart from being a vegetarian who is focused on sustainable living.

When it comes to dating, I think I just need to give it a rest for now. I just got out of a relationship, albeit a short one. I don’t have the energy to go through that again. The prospects of it frankly depress me because I know I’ll have to get back on Tinder and probably repeat the same thing over again and meet yet another person that is not right for me or be rejected by someone that I want, because they don’t want me, all because I never meet anyone worth my time in real life. I meet a lot of people but none that I might consider dating. It seldom happens that I meet someone in real life that I like more than a friend. The last time that happened and I actually got something out of it was when I was fresh out of High school. You can see I don’t have very high hopes, but we’ll see what happens in the future. I am doing splendidly on my own, either way. A romantic partner would be a lovely addition, but I don’t need it in order to live a life I am proud of.

It was the end of April when I finally caved and got a tiny penny board! I am not sure if I had already written about this, but I wanted to start skating for so long! That was something that was always very appealing to me. I just never got the courage to get one, especially in recent years because I felt as though I was too old for that. But, this year I decided that might as well try it, since I have nothing better to do outside, and also I am not getting any younger. My body will never be as flexible as it is right now, so I might as well put it to good use. I just knew that this was something I needed to try, even if I wasn’t necessarily good at it. As of today (30^th of April), I have gone skating perhaps two or three times and I have enjoyed it quite a bit. I am having trouble steering, but I have a suspicion that isn’t my fault, but a manufacturing flaw because the front wheels don’t appear to be centered. However, staying on the board isn’t all that difficult. I have gotten used to it. I am not half as scared as I used to be.

Penny board

May soon rolled around, sooner than expected, actually. I mostly worked throughout it because I didn’t feel like doing much else and also because I wanted to focus intently on tasks at hand and really try my very best, and I did. I had so many great ideas that I saw the light of day and shined brightly. My colleagues have done a wonderful job as well. We worked much like a well-oiled machine. It was tough at times because our schedule would change frequently, but we made it work. Communication was key.

During that time I also realized how much I hated the night shift (when working from home). Now, this may have just been due to utter exhaustion after working during the weekend then working until the following Thursday. When I tell you, I was absolutely done for that following weekend, I really mean it. I was mentally and emotionally depleted and starved for social contact. I basically craved socialization, but couldn’t do anything about it because I had no energy to move from where I was. I spent the majority of that weekend drowning in my own sorrow, and that was surprisingly therapeutic, by the end of it of course. It is kind of horrid when you’re in the thick of it.

That (not so) little meltdown made me question my mental health. It was obvious that I was anxious, stressed and a bit depressed, but there was more to it. I questioned whether there was something else that I was missing. I was clearly dealing with both regular and social anxiety followed by a mild case of selective mutism for as long as I could remember. I didn’t need a doctor to provide me with that diagnosis. However, were those just the tip of the iceberg? Is there a larger underlying issue that I should look into? The first thing that came to mind was Autism. It isn’t too far fetched when you think about it because I do have a lot of autistic traits. I am poor at socializing; I feel like an alien among most people; I compulsively chronicle my life; I dislike eye contact; bright lights and loud sounds tend to overwhelm me pretty quickly; I picked up on a bunch of social cues, that don’t necessarily align with my personality, in order to cope with everyday life, large crowds make me anxious, etc. The only traits that are throwing me off are: excessive/abnormal stimming (I do stim, but it is fairly under control), OCD/ADHD/ADD and high/low IQ (I feel like I am somewhere in the middle; I do think I am a creative genius, but I don’t excel at most of the other areas of life, nor did I have much success in my school years). It is possible that I am either on the spectrum or that I am just a neurotypical person with autistic traits. All things considered, I don’t really know what I am going to do with this new pondering. I am probably going to put it on hold for now and try to find a professional who can officially diagnose me when I get a chance. Either way I know who I am and I love myself for all that I am and all that I am yet to become.

I am trying to remember what else happened. Every day seemed the same. Work was rough during my low points, but I made it out somehow. Working there isn’t ideal because I don’t really feel at home with those people. I just can’t be myself. I don’t trust them. I don’t fit in, and I don’t want to. I feel far above that whole environment, yet I am unsure how to escape it because I am not very self-motivated. I am independent, but after somebody gives me a nudge. Perhaps, I will become more reliant on myself in terms of my career and create something on my own in the future, but for now I need to stick to what I’m doing and get the most of it so I can exit with as much experience as possible.

It is also tough because I love the actual work so much. The writing, the translating, meeting people and talking to them, sharing information and editing- all of that is something I greatly enjoy. But the people are not who I want to surround myself with. I won’t write much about them, because it might backfire. I can’t risk it right now. I’ll just say that our views and goals differ quite significantly. They seem to be more focused on the numbers and the success of the company, whereas I am more concerned with interpersonal relationships and overall impact on the world.

An exciting opportunity occurred at the end of the month! I had a chance to interview a prominent fertility specialist, Dr. Cappy Rothman, with whom I spoke about a pretty unusual procedure called Postmortem sperm retrieval, which involves retrieving the seamen from the deceased male in order to create a child, and thus extend his life after death, in a way. I was extremely nervous! I actually didn’t expect I would be as nervous as I was, because I was sick of waiting for him and trying to make our schedules and time zones align (he is from California). I kind of just wanted to get it over with. But then, a couple of hours later, I realized what I was about to do and the nerves suddenly hit me. I managed to collect myself the best I could, though. I feel like he could tell I was anxious, but he thankfully didn’t say anything. Perhaps I could’ve done more to prepare so I wouldn’t be as jittery, but I am still proud of myself for going through with it despite everything. I managed to ask him everything and he carefully delivered his answers. I later wrote the article which gathered 1,651 views (as of 2^nd of June). Needless to say, I was quite pleased with myself.

That pretty much rounded up the month of May and put a nice little bow on the previous stress and loneliness.