Ana-log No. 11 (January, February and March)

Photo credit: @ari.b.cofer

Hello, hello! It’s the new year and the old me who feels so good about being back! Man do I have some juicy stories for you! Hang back, get comfortable, grab a drink and let’s do this. Here we go!

I kicked off the New Year in poor spirits back home in Kotor, where I celebrated New Years with my family. I felt so isolated and awfully lonesome again. My friends weren’t there for the first couple of days, but that wasn’t the crooks of the issue. The fact of the matter was – I didn’t belong there; I never did and I never will. It once again reminded me why I left and why I shouldn’t visit as often as I feel the need to. On top of that, I was also dealing with the aftermath of being rejected by my crush from December. That one stung, big time! It kind of felt like a giant slap in the face. I spent all that effort on them, and for what? I got precisely nothing out of that. Oh, well. I am sure I’ll laugh about it some day; not today, but definitely someday. I somehow got over that, or I put a band-aid over it, either way I managed to pull myself out of it and turn the page to the part where I tried to make the most out of my miserable stay.

To be frank, the work was my saving grace. God bless you AMG! I worked during the holidays, which devastated me at first, but then I adjusted to the idea. It was actually pretty fine. I didn’t mind at all because it helped me fill the time and do something I enjoyed from a different place. I got back into my little office and spent my brakes by the sea. 

I saw my friends out a couple times and watched movies and read “The One Hundred Years of Lenni and Margot” in the meantime. There were plans of meeting my colleague Tijana and my cousin Ana, but they fell through because of COVID. Anyways, that didn’t bother me much because I knew I’d see them eventually.

My stay quickly ended and it was right around Orthodox Christmas when I left for Belgrade and it was in Belgrade where I was once again met with the insufferable cold and snow that ensued. Needless to say, I was not impressed. But what can you do? You had to make the most of it. This for me meant cozy solitary days spent with a good book, videos and movies... or so I thought, because something unexpected was about to happen! 

To be quite honest, I cannot pinpoint how it exactly occurred or why, but I accidentally got back into the dating scene. I was not ready, I was in a bad mood, I had absolutely no expectations, but I was committed to seeing where it took me. This is sort of how it started: I was still ruminating over the past rejection. Strangely enough, as disappointed as I was, I wasn’t dwelling but yearning to share my unrequited feelings with someone who would appreciate them. Be that as it may, I wasn’t serious about that plan at all. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I could date in January, which is my most dreaded month of the year. Anyways, something came over me one Saturday afternoon, when I started looking over the dating apps. I tried a few, but none of them was right for me. I swore I’d never download Tinder again, but I ultimately had to resort to it. I literally had no choice. I am glad I did, though, because something actually came out of it. Initially, I just wanted to chat with people and perhaps see a couple of them in a few days or weeks. That’s how I had done it in the past. However, it was different this time. I chatted with them, ghosted a couple because they drained my energy, I was in two minds about seeing a couple of others, then I decided to casually see one and the rest is history. I’m kidding! Well, for the most part. The person I chose to go out on a date with was not someone I expected to develop feelings for. I was actually quite unenthusiastic about it. I just went out for the sake of following through. 

The date was nerve-wracking and awkward, but also kind of exciting and familiar. I felt that sort of tingling chemistry buzzing about us, though I didn’t want to admit it. I didn’t want to get involved just yet. I made a pact with myself not to sleep with them and to try not to kiss them if it doesn’t feel right. I broke the latter soon after. After the date ended, I gave them a hug and a kiss on a cheek, but then they turned their head and our lips met. We kissed for a few seconds and then said our goodbyes. I freaked out! I was giddy with this new sense of excitement, but also slight fear because I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. This person, as nice as they were, were a complete stranger, who were my senior by 15 years, which meant they had a full life behind them, whereas I was (comparatively) a little kid bouncing about and trying to make sense of the adult world, (one that I should have had some grasp over a long time ago). But, then, I also thought: “They are going through a mid-life crisis, I am going through a quarter-life one; we can really make something out of this.” Anyways, even though the age gap was nearly imperceptible, it was very much present and I didn’t know what to make of it or them. Here they were, ready and able to take me as I am, but I almost wouldn’t let them. I didn’t want to complicate their life. But did that stop me? Of course not, because how could it? The feelings were far too strong, the chemistry far too potent; it was simply irresistible, and that was just the beginning. We were in for a ride.

Over the course of a few weeks we started seeing each other every chance we got. It felt thrilling and anxiety-inducing and overwhelming all at the same time. I was definitely pushed far outside of my comfort zone, and exciting as it was, it terrified me because of that one saying which goes: “The faster you rise, the harder you fall.” I just couldn’t let it crash and burn before anything serious happened. I had to pull the brakes a couple of times (and I think I’m still pulling them), for our mutual good. But, to tell you the truth, I felt high from the moment we met, the kind of high I hadn’t felt before. My heart was bursting and I couldn’t stop smiling, but I was sane and very much grounded, which is something I haven’t experienced before.

Photo credit: @onetostars

When I wasn’t with them I would work as usual. January was kind of slow, work-wise. I did have one amazing international interview, though, with the wonderful Chelsey Brown, a designer who was committed to finding and returning lost heirlooms to their owners. I also had a couple of other interviews on hold. In the meantime, I was working on spreading the news and writing book/movie recommendations. I was making progress in terms of getting better acquainted with my colleagues. One even invited me to her birthday party, which I was over the Moon about! I felt so honored and I had the best time chatting with the girls outside of work. It was such a lovely change! I want to invite at least some of them to my birthday in June. Hopefully, I’ll still be here and on good terms with them by that time.

My colleague's dog

February rolled around and extended the previous passion to unimaginable lengths! Again, I have to preface this by saying that the relationship was far from perfect, despite the chemistry; we had ups that felt intoxicating and downs that often felt almost too challenging to get over, at least for me. One that sticks out is the health scare I had soon after we were intimate. It turned out to be innocuous, but I am not proud of how I handled it. I went into a full panic mode. I literally felt like I was dying, even though the concept seemed unlikely. That incident strained our lines of communication for a bit. Actually, I think they were always strained. We seem to communicate well on certain topics, then go completely silent on others. I don’t know what to make of it yet and I don’t want to. I’ll let time do its job on that one. Getting back to the health scare, it made me feel incredibly vulnerable and I felt as if they were trying their best to understand me, which I appreciated, but they couldn’t really see where I was coming from and that felt frustrating. It felt like we could make it work, but it would always feel like a constant push and pull because of our different emotional makeups and neurological pathways. That made me feel wary of continuing the relationship, but I still decided to persist because there was also this internal voice telling me that this is something worth fighting for.

Photo credit: Stefan Kojić

In other news, I was getting ready to have an interview with the Ukrainian Ambassador on the 14^th of February. It went splendidly! We talked about the emerging invasion of the Russian army on the Ukrainian territories. He gave me predictions and even shared some pieces of Russian and Ukrainian history that I wasn’t aware of. I was very impressed with him and myself, for the way I conducted the interview. Later I invited “the person” to come over. We spent a romantic evening kissing, cuddling, chatting and making love. The evening was tinted in twinges of pastel pink hues. I couldn’t have wished for a better Valentine’s Day.

February also brought my two colleagues, Tamara and Katarina into my life. The three of us would only communicate through messaging during work, as they worked from home, but we finally got to meet in February! I first met Tamara a couple of days before all of us met, and we boded instantly! She is so sweet. I love how caring and committed to making things right she is. It is truly admirable. Katarina, on the other hand, is fun and spontaneous. She is also very hard-working, but in a more lackadaisical manner.

The picture taken on the day we met

The end of February brought about work instability. The reorganization of our company made me nervous about continuing work there. I was really stressed about it, but I tried to adjust to it as best as I could.

Thankfully, March soothed that wound with the SEO workshop that was supremely helpful. It gave me great guidance and made clarity of the choices I need to make. Another fantastic thing that happened was the fiery explosion of passion between them and I at the beginning of March! It was our best night yet. I think it was because the passion was building for days (we haven’t seen each other in nearly two weeks) and it finally released itself in the most incredible way. We started the night by having dinner at “Lorenco and Kakalamba” where we got to talking, which brought us to some sexy topics. That is when I shared that I always wanted to go to a strip club and they suggested we go together – that evening! I was startled, but very eager. In there we watched beautiful women dance provocatively. The mere sight of just a couple of them turned us on even more and we rushed home as fast as we could. From there, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. They threw me on the couch as soon as we entered my apartment and we went to town. The sparks were flying all over the place.

Alas, all (semi-) good things must come to an end, which was apparent to me from the get go, although I didn’t want to admit it, so I knew I had to cut ties with them. soon. There was nothing “wrong” with them, per say. They just weren’t the right fit for me. We operated at two very different speeds; we had different lives and interests. Both of us struggled so hard to keep the conversation going to the point where it was painful to watch, let alone be either one of us.

The major “red flags” I saw in them were:

• close-mindedness (about things that were important to me, such as spirituality, astrology, sex work, alternative relationship dynamics, etc.)

• low empathy (they weren’t harsh, but they definitely weren’t on the same level as me in terms of having the capacity to empathize with one’s pain, without invalidating their experience)

• pushiness (even though I’m an introvert with anxiety who appreciates a little bit of pushing, you can only push me so far, and they certainly reached a limit; by the end I felt utterly exhausted from trying to please them by going along with what they wanted to do, for the most part; I felt like I was starting to lose myself in the process)

• emotional unavailability (either they were shallow and had nothing to offer emotionally or they were unwilling to share that part of them which is crucial in sustaining a healthy relationship; I deeply wanted them to open up to me, but also for them to hear me loud and clear when I spoke out about my emotions and the things that bothered me; for instance, when I told them about a person who has been toxic throughout my entire life, they sort of shrugged it off like it was not a big deal; and not only that, they also made excuses for my aggressor)

• general shallowness (they talked a lot without having much to say, at least about the important things; it was just mindless chattering, to which I couldn’t help but tune out off; we couldn’t have deep conversations about topics that interested me because they didn’t interest them and that was apparent when they wouldn’t keep talking about said topics after I initiated the conversation)

• hyper-fixation on sexuality ( they would try to slide sex or sexuality into most of our conversations; this was fine at first because I am very sexually liberated and I enjoy talking about those kinds of topics occasionally, but it was simply too much; sex is never at the forefront of my life, because, as much as I derive pleasure from it, it is still a very grown-up part of life that I enjoy dipping my toe in sometimes, but never completely diving into, as I wish to preserve that pure child-like nature that is so integral to my being; I care to experience it for the sake of the thrill, but I just don’t want to bother about the specificities or talk about it endlessly; I kind of want to do it and go about my life as usual)

• lack of authenticity (they were practically a carbon copy of every other person I dated before with a personality that fit neatly into the general population, which, as you can imagine doesn’t bode well with me, because I am very unique and particular and I need someone who can match my energy)

• insecurity (they clearly weren’t comfortable with themselves, either because of their age or fragile gender identity; every time I even tried to challenge them even a little bit, they would shut down)

• being overly critical (they would see my flaws and couldn’t help but point them out and criticize them; look, I don’t need a mumbling “yes man”, but I also don’t need someone who knows me for a couple of days to lecture me on how to live my life; giving advice is fine, so is making suggestions, but you have to be really careful and tactical about that when dealing with me because I am very sensitive and my feelings can get hurt if one is not gentle enough)

With all that in mind, I knew I had to say goodbye to them for the sake of my mental health. I wasn’t going insane, of course. I was very stable and calm, but I just didn’t feel like myself at all, and I also felt as though I was lying to them by pretending like everything was alright when it clearly wasn’t. This is how I approached the issue: I ignored as much as possible, up until I couldn’t possibly do it anymore, so I bailed to Montenegro at the end of March. 

Millenium bridge in Podgorica

I used some days off from work to come to Podgorica where I spent the weekend with my best friend Maja. She showed me around town, we talked, commiserated in each other’s pain, watched movies, etc.

Maja and I

I also met up with my cousin/uncle Relja who I missed so much. We have this deep spiritual connection that is truly unmatched! He and I talked for hours about the universe and other topics of that nature, which was incredibly refreshing. 

River Morača in Podgorica

After that I went to Kotor where I continued to ponder about when and how to break up with them. I ultimately decided to end it once I return to Belgrade, which is exactly what I did. More on that in the following part.