Ana-log No. 7 (April and May)

Photo: @letthefestivitiesbegin on Instagram

Hey there! I am back a day after posting the 'Life Update No. 6' because I want to begin writing some of the April happenings while they are still fresh in my memory. Here we go!

The first thing that comes to mind is being absolutely done with my hometown. I was there for far too long (and I still am) and it was abundantly clear to everyone from my family to my friends to those naughty little pigeons that feasted on my tomato sprouts. But I am getting off topic. I felt stuck again, which happened numerous times before as Kotor is a microscopically small town, but this time it was slightly different because I was not only back here for a little while, I was actually faced with the very real possibility of spending the rest of my days cramped up in that miniature space, and boy was I not happy. You don't realize, I returned to the place I've been running away from my whole life. I am not supposed to be here, yet I cannot leave. And, yes, I am partly at fault for not being more proactive and holding onto hope and past nostalgia. I’ve recently read a comment somewhere saying: “It’s almost as if the pros of leaving are the same as the pros of staying”, and that really hit home. But I am not alone in this because the odds are kind of stacked up against me. First off all, the pandemics is still not completely over and secondly, I am just getting into the world of media. It will take me at least another year to build sufficient experience. I highly doubt that anyone outside of my country will hire me without seeing hard proof of my performance and skills. Also, I am still debating going back to get my Master's. I haven't exactly reached a verdict on that one, yet. It seems like a huge waste of time and resources, but it also seems like something that I may need. I am still juggling with that. If I decide to pursue it, I will most likely go back to Belgrade because that is the most viable option at the moment for a multitude of reasons. As much as I would love to go abroad, I am not sure it would be the wisest of choices. I can honestly imagine living anywhere in Europe, though, as long as I am not too far away from home, because I still want to be able to visit my family and friends, and I have space to grow my career. I am very flexible in that way. And if the road takes me back to Belgrade, having the freedom to travel occasionally from there would be ideal. Meanwhile, I am going to try to get away from Kotor for a few days this summer. I mean it this time because staying here every day for 365 days has an extremely negative effect on my mental health. In terms of the pandemics, the situation is improving. People are getting the vaccine; everything is opening up and the cases are lowering. Knock on wood that this the last year and that we'll go back to normal soon. Going back to the March part of the last update where I mentioned my inability to cry, I wanted to add a couple of elements. I've been thinking about the other contributing factors. What I have noticed is that my cycle (the time when I am the most emotional) is late again, which is typical for me (no fear of pregnancy here), but that is also a factor that is preventing me from properly expressing my emotions. Another factor would be my brain seeking instant gratification in a positive type of release, which is usually solo play. I cannot tell you how many times I've craved both and chosen the "lesser of two evils" (I'm using this expression very loosely because neither is actually evil) because it's less time consuming and it is an instant mood booster. Also, I cannot always cry when I need to, but I can always orgasm when I feel like it. One of my many talents! Although its effects aren't long lasting, I usually choose that route mostly due to efficiency. Crying takes a lot out of me and doesn't make me feel better right away. However, it does make me feel much better in the long run, hence why I have to find a way to relieve myself again. It will sort itself out eventually. It has to. Moving on to my love life, since that seems like a natural transition here. Not much has changed here. I'm still single and thriving. I really don't mind because I enjoy solitude. I really don't connect with very many people here neither platonically nor romantically. I could perhaps pick out three people that I would consider dating and even they are a bust; two are potheads and the other is a musician. I can handle the music but Mary Jane not so much, especially knowing how far one of them is taking it. I know it's not considered a hard narcotic and it has medicinal properties, yet I am still not comfortable with it. I don't want to associate myself with those kinds of crowds. Now, I feel like I gave the musician a bad representation. I have nothing against musicians, but they have in my experience been a bit difficult to pin down and I don't need that. I'm already hectic enough on my own. I don't need another bouncy ball. I need someone who is stable, dependable, honest, but also spontaneous, open-minded and free-spirited, all of which are the qualities that I possess as well. I realize I said that I am hectic and it's true, but I honor commitments. That is exactly why I can't stand when people try to excuse their bad behavior by saying they are free spirits or artists, when they simply don't want to be held accountable for their actions. You can be freedom loving all you want, but once you include another person or people in the picture you have to take notice of how your actions are going to affect them. That is what being a decent human is all about. Returning to the first two, I probably won't go for either one and they won't go for me either, which is fair. I may be too vanilla for them anyway. I did have a terrific dream about one of them a few nights ago, though. I literally leapt into their arms and hanged onto their body as we kissed passionately. We then fell onto the bed and that is the last thing I can remember. When I saw them the following day, a torrent of tingles rushed up and down my body and my cheeks flushed bright red. I definitely saw them in a different light that day.

I need to open the May update by mentioning the instance that happened on the day before the 1^st of May and that was the change in plans that led my family and I to travel to Novi Pazar (Serbia) to meet my big sister and her family. Let's start from the beginning. My sister was meant to come to Kotor with her family on the 30^th for Easter and May Day. They called us as soon as they approached the boarder and we were getting ready to meet them. Little did we know that crossing would be a no go that day. The issue was the unrenewed passport of one of the kids. So, what was one to do? Why travel and meet them half way (more or less) of course! We packed up our bags for a three-day stay in Novi Pazar and took off. I was under the weather all morning from my allergies, but I had no qualms about leaving town for a couple of days because I was absolutely sick of it and also because I missed my Serbian family so much! Despite the motion sickness caused by the rocky road, the almost child-like excitement kept me in my element. The nature was just awe-inspiring! I couldn't get enough of looking at the green grass, the bluest sky, mountains, animals and those cute little mountain houses that were so different from the houses here on the coast. They were noticeably smaller, wooden structures with slanted roofs that were usually painted in dark green. We made a stop in Kolašin for refreshments, where I had lunch because I hadn't eaten before we left. Whilst eating rice and cooked carrots with my fingers (we couldn't find the utensils) I felt like I embraced my feral form to its fullest. Afterwards we continued our journey and arrived to our hotel in Novi Pazar around 9 p.m. Immediately upon arriving we were not only hit by the new climate, but also by a new culture. Stepping into the predominantly Muslim city really came as a bit of a shock due to the fact that it was something I was not familiar with giving that I come from a Christian Orthodox/ Catholic influenced country that barely practices religion. It was quite interesting to see alternate ways of living and incorporating faith, especially during the Muslim holyday Ramadan. I learned that Ramadan begins when the crescent moon appears in the sky. People fast from the sunrise to sunset. No food or water is allowed during the fast. The period when fasting ends is called Iftar and that is when families and friends join one another for a feast. From what I could gather this holyday is meant to make people reflect and appreciate the food they consume and I think that is very beautiful.
The trip was short, yet refreshing. We brought along my oldest nephew with us on the way back so he could spend a few days in Kotor because he wanted to go so badly! Man, this kid feels emotions deeply. He always did. He does talk a lot, but I let it slide because I love how passionate he is about the things that are important to him. His middle bro was sad that he couldn’t come and so were we, but he’ll join us with the rest of them soon. The big bro had a great time with us and one of his closest friends here and then we saw him off after about a week. Soon after, I started experiencing a regulation in my mood. I didn’t cry, I poured. Not that, that made everything go away. However, it did make me feel a bit lighter. A few days later our family friends from Sarajevo visited us for a day. And what a lovely day it was! We had lunch in Prčanj and then I took them for a walk around town. Although they had already been to Kotor before 12 odd years ago, much has changed since then. Back then they only had one son who was a baby at the time and now they have two sons (they are around the ages of my eldest nephews from Belgrade) and a puppy! After the walk we went to my parents’ house where we ate cake and strawberries and played with kids in the garden. The final days of May were fairly uneventful, other than the day when I finally bought my birthday dress and a few things I needed for my floral corner outside of my apartment, which I also spent hours thoroughly cleaning since it was stained with paint and whatnot left behind after the construction. The rest of the remaining days were spent doing the writing I promised my client. It was all fun and dandy, until my laptop broke exactly as I was about to start writing the last assignment. I had to rewrite the previous assignments along with the last one from my dad’s office, which was fine. I actually finished them in about two or three days. I managed to edit them and send them to her before the 29^th which was the start of another dreaded retrograde period. That is also when my laptop got fixed. Regardless of that, I was still glad I managed to finish all of the major tasks before the retrograde because writing is a bit of a challenge during that time. Oh, I had also seen the new “Cruella” movie with my friend Pajo! It was amazing! It truly wowed both of us. I won’t go into the specifics right now because I intend to write more in depth about it in an article format. Let’s just say, it beyond exceeded my expectations! The last two days were spent doing the usual tasks such as doing chores, organizing, writing, etc. That’s about all I can think about at the moment. If there is anything I left out, I’ll add it to the next update. See you later!

P.S: The sentences in bold signify a change in topics. I wanted to distinguish them that way rather than separate them in paragraphs because I felt that would be better suited for different months.