Ana-log No. 6 (January, February and March)
Hello again! I'm back and ready to keep you
up to date with what has been happening in my life during the previous months.
It is April of 2021 at the time that I'm typing this, so bear with me as it
will take me a moment to remember everything that I intend to include in this
update. Since I'm not a fan of stalling, let's get this show on the road!
Starting with January, the New Year took
with it much of the 2020's excitement. I managed to keep my spirits up for the
most part. I saw my friends, I had a cozy wintery quality time with my family,
I was writing a bit, etc. But as soon as the middle of January hit, bitter
melancholy crashed over my body like a wave, making me terribly mournful of
2020. I had suddenly become perfectly aware of the fact that it is gone for
good and it will never, ever return. Luckily, the storm cleared up soon,
though. I seemed to have created this excellent coping mechanism where existential
longings don't affect me for too long. I feel what I need to feel without letting it consume me. Remembering all that
is in my hands still, all that is yet to be and all that I am yet to see also
helped. In knowing that, I continued to push through. I spun around the idea of
being in love with a person I mentioned in one of my previous updates (I
believe it was during the summer of 2019) as they became sort of relevant and
present in my life again. I was wary of making the first move because, although
we have pretty similar beliefs and ideologies, the plain truth is that we are
very different people with different temperaments, backgrounds and even ages
(they are my senior by a solid decade; this is of course not a deal breaker, but
it is something to keep in mind). Also, I had a feeling I would become someone
else for fear that who I am wouldn't be enough and I couldn't let them fall in
love with a curated version of myself. It wouldn't be fair to either one of us.
I continued being friendly and open with them, but ultimately decided to leave
it up to faith. I knew that if something was meant to happen between us, one of
us would feel the urge to reach out to the other in the most natural way
possible. What else? I am just taking a peek into my kitty planner that has
been my lifesaver (thank you big sis!) in trying to remember. Oh yes! I had my
eyes checked and started wearing glasses. I can finally see! While I was there,
I met my relatives from Podgorica again. I was so happy to see them, especially
my cousin Relja, who I instantly bonded with over our shared love of the
occult. Talking with him was so refreshing! In other news, my dad celebrated
his 70th birthday. That was a big one!
After the year that was January ended,
February jumped in its place. One constant during this time was the freezing
cold that simply would not end. This had to have been one of the coldest
winters we've had in years. It even snowed! Could you believe that?! The
temperature hardly ever goes bellow zero here. That should put it in
perspective for you. Apart from the extreme cold, this period was also one of
the busiest for me because I had tons of offers on my new Fiverr account. It
had challenged me quite a bit and made me want to give up on multiple
occasions, but I prevailed. My customers were satisfied and gave me positive
reviews and even tips! The success was short lived, though. My account got
deactivated about two weeks after, which was slightly disappointing. I very
well deserved it because I didn't follow the rules (I won't go into the
specifics right now), but it still frustrated me because it was one of the
first ventures that simultaneously provided a steady income and was creatively
fulfilling. I'll have better luck next time around, I guess. This is how we all
learn. The most annoying part was waiting for three months for the account to
be reopened (hopefully), which still hasn't happened. Whilst I waited, I
continued writing. I finished a few articles that I previously set aside. I got
into re-watching "The Hills" again. It brought so many memories of
the early 2000s! That was such an interesting time. I was so young when the
show first premiered on MTV, so I couldn't relate to it as well as I can now,
but I do remember seeing a couple of episodes and loving Audrina and Whitney a
lot! I appreciated Audrina's edginess and Whitney's mellowness. Lauren was
among the favorites too. I just remember thinking all of them were so sweet and
beautiful. They were like real-life Bratz dolls! Now, I realize it is
technically not considered a high-brow show by any means, but it is very
nostalgic and dear to my heart regardless. And, I for one, believe it is a
great vehicle for analyzing the various ways in which we as society have
progressed, anywhere from style, to music, mannerisms, filming, technology…
Have you watched "The Hills"? Are you still watching it? Please tell
me so we can fangirl together! The 14th of February made me reflect
on my love life. In the past, this day was a miserable and lonely one, but now
I welcome it gleefully. It is a day to celebrate the mystery of love after all
and what is better than that? It is also my male best friend's birthday and I
just love him to bits! We always have a ball together, and this year was no
exception. Another notable/dreaded event was the Mercury retrograde which
lasted from the 30th of January all the way until the 21st
of February and needless to say it completely messed with my mind. Communication
is the focal point of my entire life as I am a journalist and a writer and
coincidentally a Gemini with a Gemini Mercury (Gemini's ruler is Mercury- the
planet of communication), so you can understand my woes. I had trouble
organizing my thoughts, my plans were all jumbled up, I failed to deliver an
offer because of a misunderstanding, I kept procrastinating the articles I had
to write, my mind was foggy and my mouth was sealed shut. I was in shambles!
But as soon as the 21st hit, I began feeling more aligned. My little
krapfen (as I enjoy calling her) Ema, turned one on the 25th! Lord,
she grew up too fast! She learned how to walk, pronounce simple words and mimic
certain sounds and gestures in no time. She is as smart as a whip, for sure! I
truly have not seen a baby retain information that quickly before. It's just amazing!
She is also incredibly strong-willed. When she wants something, she fights
until she gets it. She views your "no" as an obstacle to overcome, as
opposed to a non-negotiable agreement. I've learnt so much about self-confidence
from watching her.
On the 1st of March I moved out
of my sister's place back into my own. There were plans of going to Belgrade
with my bestie a few days after I moved, but I unfortunately had one of the
worst allergy flareups that I've had in a long time, so I had to cancel. The
healing process was long (I am still not completely out of the woods), itchy
and overall unpleasant. I couldn't do much during that time because I was
beyond exhausted, so I rested at home for a few days. I enjoyed having the
place all to myself again. Being around my sister and others was fine, but I
desperately needed some alone time. The many different energies I absorbed over
time were beginning to weigh me down. I needed a good cry and thought I would
be able to release myself once I've moved, but I couldn't. I had been suppressing
my emotions for months as my catharsis longed for solitude, therefore every
time I would try to shed a tear a brick wall would drop into the pit of my throat.
This was quite strange because I am the biggest crybaby. Making me cry is a
piece of cake. I used to cry all day, every day as a child and later as an
adolescent. It is April now and I have barely let out a couple droplets. I
cried a little watching other people's sufferings, but my own life doesn't make
me cry anymore. I feel like whatever is happening to me isn't severe or
anything I haven’t lived through before or anything that cannot be fixed, which
isn't to say that I do not deserve to complain or that my fears and worries are
insignificant. I've recently heard some girl say she had the same issue with
her orgasms. She explained that as soon as she would reach climax, the shame
surrounding female masturbation that was ingrained into her psyche would
prevent her from finishing. However, she said that she was working on it, and that
is what I intend to do as well. Since both are a form of a release, I believe
that they require similar healing processes. Thankfully, I had many other
self-soothing practices; one of them being gardening. I have been tending
to my indoor garden of an assortment of different wild plants, succulents and
some tomato sprouts. What I also loved was going up to the window in the attic
to look up at the night sky whilst reading or listening to an audiobook. I found
myself getting back into reading more during March and April, which was exciting.
I didn't have much patience for it before. I read six books in total within the
past two months, which were: "The Chocolate War" by Robert Cormier,
"Journalism in Tennessee and other stories" by Mark Twain, "A
Wordsworth Anthology" by William Wordsworth, "Big Magic" by
Elizabeth Gilbert, "Teaching My Mother How To Give Birth" by Warsan
Shire and began reading "The Bone Clocks" by David Mitchell. This was
a lot for me, but it isn't nearly as much as I should be reading. I want to
find books that ignite my interest and try to read more because I find it to be
crucial for personal and literary development. Alright! I am going to leave it
at that. I shall see you again probably at the end of May or at the beginning
of June for April and May updates. See you soon!
Comments
Post a Comment