Ana-log No. 5 (October, November and December of 2020)

                         

Hey, hey again! I'm back to round up this whirlwind of a year. Can you believe it's finally ending? I certainly find it difficult to believe. So much has happened that it doesn't seem like it's all part of the same year. None of us are leaving 2020 the same way we entered it and that's a fact. My beginning was less than ideal, but by the middle of the year I regained my zeal which helped me thrive almost until the very end. It was a successful and productive year for me and one that I will never forget since it incited a massive change in my life. I don't even know where to begin with recounting the last three months, but I am going to try, so without further ado let us go back to October!

As I mentioned in the September part of the Life update No. 4, I had to move into my sister's place due to construction that was happening in my apartment. I spent most of the month moving things from one place to the other, occasionally riding my bicycle, going out with my friends for coffee dates and driving lessons. What I had spent the most time doing, however, was writing. I believe I wrote more during October and the previous months than I had written in my entire life. I wrote so many articles! Ideas just keep flowing easily and I wrote almost every day. I had been struggling to find a platform worth putting my time and effort into. My prayers had been answered when I got in contact with one of the journalists who wrote for the Serbian magazine "Ilustrovana Politika". I got the opportunity to practice writing in Serbian language which was a bit daunting at the get go, but I quickly adapted to it. I'm Balkan after all! I've been writing in Serbian language all of my life. It's expected of me to know at least the basics. I thoroughly enjoyed the entire process of writing my first article- the one about the longevity of people in Muo, which is the small seaside village next to Kotor. Everything from interacting with people I had known but never spoken to, researching about the history and customs, running to my office to work on it and reply to emails I got from my mentor, interviewing… all of that has been such a thrill! I was beaming with pride and eagerly waited for it to be published in November! In saying that, I had also been feeling some resentment towards a recent romantic interest, but I decided not to act on it, which in hindsight, was a wise choice. Instead, I channeled all those negative emotions into my writing. It was surprising how fueled by revenge I am. I kept thinking: "I will do this and this and this. I'll be noticed, remembered and recognized. That is when they'll start caring, but then it will be too late. They'll never be able to reach me again." You see how revenge can be beneficial when it's aimed at personal improvement rather than the slander of the other person! If you are reading this (you are probably not but I may send it to you some day): "Thank you for toying with my emotions for you inspired me to love myself even more and continue bettering myself. You had actually just been dishonest with yourself and lost a genuine person who could've been a tsunami of good fortune in your life (that may sound exaggerated, but I have lots of Sun in my chart so it's probably true)." Although I've been strong and partially successful in ignoring the issue, I desperately wanted an answer; I wanted them to tell me what they're thinking, to tell me what they're feeling, yet I would not ask. Pride took the best of me because I felt that reaching out would mean stooping even lower since I was the one who was putting in sincere effort in keeping up the communication whilst they kept shutting me down. I decided to never talk to them again, unless of course, they reach out first.

November came around swiftly and brought with it the cold and uncertainty regarding my internship. First, I had to get my diploma notarized which took forever, then I had to arrange the transfer from one company which was unfitting for me to the one which suited me perfectly. Long story short, I couldn't do anything about it because the regulations were against me. It was a complete waste of time, but hey, you live and you learn. I wouldn't have known what the income would be had I not tried to do everything I could. All was not lost, though, because my first article was published on the 17^th of November! It was long overdue, but well worth the wait. The article was praised, it received lots of attention and even opened some doors. For the first time in my life, I felt as though I was doing something that was tailor-made for me and receiving positive feedback. I was finally getting the recognition I deserved and man, oh man, did it feel good! I wasn't getting paid, but that didn't matter to me because I knew that money would come after I have established myself as a trusted and knowledgeable journalist. The rest of the month was bathed in the glow of my first success. As far as love life was concerned, there was no news to be reported, which was fine by me as my bruised heart was still in recovery. Yes, talked to a few people here and there, but I didn't go out with anyone because I didn't like any of them enough, some were far away and also, it was difficult to go out when I wasn't in my apartment. I just didn't want to explain what I was doing and where I was going, nor did I want to bother sneaking in and out of the apartment. I missed the freedom of doing what I wanted and having nobody there to hold me accountable, though, but I made my peace with waiting for a little while longer until I return to my own place. It was for the best since I was too busy focusing on my career and I probably couldn't handle another set of goodbyes. The days when I was happiest were those spent in my little office writing for hours. Do you remember when I said I didn't need the office? Silly me! I don't know what I would've done without it. Home life was too hectic for work, and besides I needed a space where I'd be alone with my thoughts. It was just a perfect little getaway that was about a minute or two away from my sister's house which was oh, so convenient! I enjoyed it whilst I could because pretty soon the new COVID measures were set in place. I believe we first had to be inside at 7 p.m., which didn't give me a lot of office time because I was working from about 5 p.m. until nighttime (it would vary between 10 p.m. and 12:30 a.m.), so I mostly worked from home, which was somewhat manageable.

December didn't bring much change. It just brought lots and lots of cold and rain and it reminded me just how much I hate winter. I don’t like the weather, I don't like the holidays, I hate the emptiness. Everything is so drab and grey. I sound like the Grinch, don't I? Well, I said what I said. I cannot wait for spring and summer. Those are definitely my seasons. What kept my spirit up was not expecting anything during this time and knowing that better days are ahead, but it was certainly tough and it still is. I felt stuck in one place, not really knowing what to do. Also, I had little desire to go out since practically everything was closed and the weather had been so gloomy. On top of that, I had been plagued with indecision regarding what to do about my internship. Although my transfer was unsuccessful, I was accepted by a company which was looking for an English language and literature graduate. That was far from what I wanted, but it was a paid internship, so you can se why I was in two minds. Still, I decided to politely decline because it would've been too big of a hassle to go through that whole process for something I never wanted. However, for every piece bad news there is at least one piece of good news. My second article was published! This one had garnered even more attention and praise. Seeing my name on paper for the second time was not surprising this time, but still much appreciated. Additionally, I began working remotely for a new art portal called "Balkan Art Scene". That is what I am still doing and I am so proud of the work we've managed to do! I am truly looking forward to see where this journey takes us! And that is just about all I wanted to say on this occasion. If I left anything out, I'll add it to January's update. Now I must leave you because it's very late and tomorrow is New Year's Eve, so I have to get some sleep. Good night and may you have an incredible 2021!